


Finding home

by buckdiaz



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Drugged Sex, Drugs, Flashbacks, M/M, Mentions of Blood, Mentions of Violence, Rape, The rape/non con is between Buck and OC, non consensual sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:48:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27292945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buckdiaz/pseuds/buckdiaz
Summary: -Please make sure you read tags and warnings before going further!-Buck had always thought that the saying "Life is not about the destination. It's about the journey" was cheesy and probably a bit overused for pillows and posters in soccer mom's homes; but after going through the worst moments in his life, he decided that sometimes... Sometimes it is about the destination and not the journey, and his destination was Eddie and the quote could go jump off a cliff.Thank you to the most amazing Marciaelena for beat’ing this fic, giving me such good help on improving this fic and my writing in general
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 14
Kudos: 147
Collections: Buddie Trick or Treat





	Finding home

**Author's Note:**

  * For [darkmoonwolf1986](https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkmoonwolf1986/gifts).



Grinning as he entered the bar, Buck did a little nod at some of the guys he recognized. He loved this bar. He’d been coming to it ever since he moved to LA. It wasn’t a dump, but it wasn’t too fancy either. There were darts, a pool table, a decent dance floor, tables and comfy bar stools. And the drinks weren’t overpriced, which was probably his favorite part. Next to the people, that is.

Most of the people that came to this place were working people. Middle-class people who wanted a good time, no trouble or funny business. Somewhere to relax, have a good, cheap drink while listening to music that wasn't so loud you had to scream.

Taking a seat at the bar, Buck got his phone out as the bartender, Mike, put down his usual in front of him. ”Damn, Mike, I’m getting too predictable.” Buck chuckled and grasped the beer, moaning at the cold, rich taste. ”One of these days I’m going to change things up.”

Mike smirked as he leaned against the row of mini-fridges behind him. ”Buck, you’ve been coming here for, what… four years now? First drink is always a beer.”

”Fair point,” Buck agreed, opening the Snapchat he’d just gotten from Eddie. It was a picture of him grimacing with the caption hiding in the bathroom to escape a few minutes of hell aka parent meeting night. Smiling widely while holding up his beer, Buck took a selfie and sent it off to Eddie.

”Let me guess…. Eddie?” Mike asked as he started wiping the counter.

Buck smiled and closed his phone, taking another sip of his beer. ”Yeah, he has a parent meeting at Chris’ school today. PTA elections, something about a cake sale and needing volunteers for some trip they’re going to take. He’s probably going to end up in all of those things. Some of the mothers can be quite quick to ask him to join,” Buck said, playing with a coaster that was left by him.

Grunting in reply, Mike leaned on the counter in front of him. ”What about a round of darts while it’s still quiet? John can handle the bar on his own for now,” he suggested, glancing at John, who was currently on his phone and didn’t react much to what was said.

Buck shrugged. ”Sure, but I’m wearing my winning jeans, so I hope you’re ready to lose.” He jumped off the barstool and headed over to the dartboard with his beer, full of confidence.

Mike looked on as Buck walked away, letting his eyes take in every inch of Buck’s body. Those jeans were winning, that Mike was certain of. Stepping out from behind the bar, he walked over and put a hand on Buck’s shoulder, giving it a quick squeeze. ”Loser buys the winner a drink?” he said before taking the darts Buck handed him.

”Deal! I feel like having a mojito after this.” Buck grinned back at him before throwing his first dart, and did a little victory scream and cheer as he hit the bullseye.

—

”Mike, don’t take this the wrong way, but your dart skills tonight were awful,” Buck told him as they both walked back over to the bar, Buck holding his almost empty second beer.  
Mike shook his head and got behind the bar. ”Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mojito, was it?” he asked with a roll of his eyes, daring to shoot a wanting look at Buck while he was on his phone again, typing away whilst wearing a stupid smile. Mike knew from that smile who he was talking to. Eddie, again. ”I’ll be right back, just going to get some limes from the back,” Mike said, glancing at Buck.

”Yeah, sure,” Buck mumbled as he kept on texting.

Walking into the backroom, Mike clenched his jaw and headed straight for his locker. He slammed his hand on it, shaking his head. Why couldn’t Buck see that Eddie was the wrong man to yearn for? Why couldn’t he see how good Mike would treat him? Love him and take care of him. This had to end. Mike had to show Buck, he couldn’t wait any longer. It was clear to him now that Buck wouldn’t be able to see reason on his own. They both needed this, Mike told himself as he grabbed the small plastic bag from his coat and fished out three pills from it. Tonight he and Buck would finally be together.

Grabbing two limes from the stocked shelves, Mike smiled as he walked back into the bar. ”Let’s get you that mojito.” Buck chuckled and looked up at him. Mike started making the drink, keeping the pills out of sight behind the limes for now so no one would see them.

”Next time I promise to only play at a 50% skill level, that way you can have a chance of winning,” Buck teased, finishing the beer in front of him.

Mike let out a little chuckle. ”Very generous of you, Buck, and I will hold you to that. I’ll beat you next time even if I have to use some dirty tactics,” he smirked, his mind flashing quickly to the pills before he winked at Buck.

”Yeah, yeah, sure, if you think it’ll help you win,” Buck replied. ”Watch my spot, I have to take a leak,” he said before getting up from his stool and walking to the bathroom.

Looking over at John and seeing he was very much still into his phone, Mike grabbed a knife and crushed up the pills, getting them into the glass. Squeezing in the lime juice, he grabbed a stirring stick and mixed it all together. After placing the drink in front of Buck’s seat, he started cleaning up his work station, biting his lip and trying to calm down. He needed to play this right. He needed to clean the knife and the chopping board. Having pill residue out in the open was not a good idea.

”This looks good and it’s just what I need,” Buck said when he came back from the toilet and took his seat.

”Any exciting calls at work recently?” Mike asked, turning back around from cleaning his chopping board.

Buck nodded while taking a big sip of his drink. ”Mmm, yes! So there was this big fire, right? And this guy kept asking for someone so we thought, okay, probably a cat or dog. So we go back in, find a cat, get the cat and bring it over, and what do you know? It is his cat but he’d been asking about his wife… his deaf wife! The fire was really getting bad at this point and we couldn’t go up, so I had to do a rope rescue. It was on the news, I heard. It was pretty cool.”

Mike grinned. ”My, my, what a hero that’s graced this bar with his attendance, can I have your autograph?” he teased.

Buck laughed before flipping him the bird. ”You’re a dick.” He chuckled as he grabbed his drink and took another big mouthful.

Mike didn’t reply, only watched as Buck’s Adam's apple bobbed while he swallowed. Clearing his throat, he clapped his hands together before pointing at the shelves. ”Tequila?” he asked with a grin.

”Oh god, I hate tequila, Mike. I will however have one if you’re having one too,” Buck replied.

Mike double-checked the crowd before nodding. ”Sure,” he agreed, grabbing the bottle from the shelf and filling up two shot glasses. He handed Buck one of the glasses and a boat of lime, then placed a salt shaker on the counter. ”Anyone tell you recently that you’re a bad influence?” Mike said as he poured some salt on the back of his hand.

”I think Hen mumbled something about that today, actually,” Buck replied with a big grin, grabbing the shot glass and winking at him. Licking the salt off his hand, he gulped down the tequila. Grimacing, he grabbed the lime wedge and sucked on it. ”Fucking Christ, that is so horrible.” Buck coughed as he put the lime wedge back down on the bar and reached for his mojito to cover up the taste of the tequila. ”If I get sick now, I’m calling you to come clean up.” Buck pushed the offending shot glass away before taking another sip of his drink. ”I’ll take another one of this, though,” he said, and raised the Mojito glass at Mike.

Nodding, Mike shook his face in disgust. ”Coming right up. God, that is a cursed liquid,” he mumbled as he reached for the bottle of white rum and a new glass.

”I’d like to remind you that that was your idea,” Buck said, taking a final sip of his drink and placing the empty glass down.

”I never said it was a good idea, at least,” Mike pointed out, grabbing a new stirring stick as he started mixing in the soda water, sugar, and lime juice. He put the finished drink in front of Buck. ”You’re not actually going to be sick, are you? You look a little weird,”

Buck frowned and took the new mojito. ”No? I feel fine?” he replied, confused.

”Hmm, maybe it's just the lighting, then. You looked a little pale there for a second,'' Mike told him. Buck hadn’t looked pale, but Mike figured he should plant the seeds of Buck reacting badly to the alcohol or just coming down with something, so when the pills started working he wouldn’t be too suspicious. ”Please do try and make it to the bathroom if you feel like puking, though. I don’t actually want to clean vomit today,” Mike said, and gave him a grin.

”I’ve never puked in my life,” Buck said as innocently as he could.

”Of course not.” Mike rolled his eyes before walking over to John. ”Hey, call in Julie or Maya, they’re on the reserve list. I’m going to have to go in a bit.” John just hummed and Mike watched as he brought up Julie’s contact and called her. John was a good worker, really, he just wasn’t very curious or did anything more than he absolutely needed. Which happened to be a very good thing right now. Turning around, Mike looked at Buck. He was shaking his head a bit while reaching for his drink.

”Ah, fuck,” Buck muttered as he knocked the glass over, his knuckles colliding with it when his hand didn’t go where he had planned it to go.

”Whoa, okay. How are you doing there, Buck?” Mike asked, faking his concern as he mopped up the drink from the counter and took away the glass.

”I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do that,” Buck replied.

Mike hummed ”I figured. I think you’ve had enough. You coming down with something? Sleep okay last night?” he asked while snapping his fingers in front of Buck’s face.

”No, I’m fine. I slept fine, but yeah, I don’t feel so good,” Buck mumbled as he rubbed his face, shaking it again to try and make his brain work again. It was so slow.

”Let’s get you home, bud,” Mike said, stepping around the bar. Grabbing Buck’s jacket, he laid it over his arm and quickly double-checked he had his own wallet, phone, and keys before helping Buck up on his feet.

”I don’t understand, I haven’t had that much to drink,'' Buck said, gripping Mike’s arm as he felt even woozier standing up.

”It’s okay. Maybe it's something you ate earlier.” Mike put a hand around Buck’s waist while moving Buck’s arm over his shoulders so he could grip his wrist and help keep him steady. God, Buck smelled good. Managing to get him outside, Mike guided him over to his car. Propping Buck up against it he managed to get the doors unlocked and helped Buck get inside. Running around to the other side, Mike grinned as he got in. Looking over at Buck he could see that the pills were hitting him hard and fast. He probably should’ve gotten him out of there sooner. Leaning over him, Mike grabbed the seat belt and secured it. ”It’s okay, Buck. I’m going to take you home. Get you into bed so you can relax. Going to make you feel good,” Mike said softly as he stroked Buck’s arm.

”Mmmm, home sounds good, thanks,Mike,” Buck mumbled, his head rolling to the side.

Mike pulled out on the road and fought to stay under the speed limit and follow all the signs. He was so eager to just get Buck home. Thankfully the traffic wasn’t too bad, and even though it had taken them longer than he had wanted, Mike was glad to finally be able to park in front of Buck’s apartment complex.

”Come on, Buck. Up we get.” Mike groaned as he helped Buck out of the car. He was still hanging in there, which was good.

”Mike, am I home? Is Eddie here?” Buck said, looking around hazily.

”No, Eddie isn’t here. I am,” Mike spat out, kicking the car door shut and leading Buck towards the elevator.

”How do you know where I live?” Buck asked, looking disoriented while trying to get his phone out of his pocket.

”You told me once,” Mike replied.

”I did?” Buck tried to focus his eyes on Mike as they walked into the elevator.

”How else would I know, Buck?” Mike asked back. Buck didn’t need to know that he had followed him home on more than one occasion.

”I’m so dizzy,” Buck groaned. ”Something’s wrong,” he added when the elevator arrived on his floor.

”Everything is fine, Buck. Just relax.” Mike readjusted his hold on Buck’s wrist and gripped Buck’s hip tightly. ”Almost there.” He took a deep breath as Buck’s shirt rose up and he was now touching Buck’s bare skin. He was growing hard now, his cock making a bulge in his jeans. It was getting more difficult to keep Buck upright, he didn’t have much strength left in him now. ”Where’s your keys, Buck?” Mike asked, leaning him against the door.

”M’ pocket,” Buck mumbled, and raised his hand a bit to try and help get it out.

Digging out the keys from Buck’s pocket, Mike got the front door unlocked and open.

”You should call 911. Or Eddie. This isn’t right, something’s wrong,” Buck mumbled, and Mike grabbed him again and got him inside.

”Thank god, finally,” Mike said, closing the door and locking it. ”Last hurdle, the stairs and then you can relax,” Mike told Buck when he grabbed him once more.

”I need my phone,” Buck said as they slowly made it up the stairs.

Dropping Buck on the bed, Mike panted slightly, trying to catch his breath.

”Miiike,” Buck groaned from the bed.

”Yes, Buck?” Mike replied, getting his wallet, keys, and phone out of his own pockets.

”Can you get me my phone?” Buck said as he stretched out on the bed.

Mike smirked and stepped over. Buck was so pretty. He ran a hand over Buck’s thigh and over his left pocket. No phone. Biting his lip he stroked it over Buck’s crotch before checking his right pocket.

”What are you doing?” Buck asked, trying to lift his head up.

”Grabbing your phone, shh, just relax,” Mike replied as he got the phone out. Getting off the bed, Mike turned off Buck’s phone and put it into a drawer on Buck’s nightstand. Picking up his own phone, he turned on the video camera and made sure that Buck and the whole bed was in the frame before he took off his t-shirt. ”I’ve been dreaming of this moment for so long, Buck,” Mike said as he stepped between Buck’s legs and started working on opening Buck’s belt.

”Mike?” Buck asked, opening his eyes and looking up at him with a dazed expression.

Mike smirked. ”It’s okay, I’ll take real good care of you, Buck.”

—

Stretching his body, Buck let out a big yawn as he slowly started coming to. Fuck, he was tired. He rubbed his eyes and groaned, rolling over onto his back and hissing when he felt a sharp pain in his ass. “What the fuck?” Hurriedly sitting up, Buck hissed again at the ache and soreness. Feeling his body breaking out in cold sweats and his stomach turning, Buck just managed to move to the side of the bed before he emptied the contents of his stomach onto the floor.

He wiped his mouth and groaned again. Spotting his clothes on the floor, he tried to remember what on Earth had happened last night but nothing was coming to him. He couldn’t remember anything past just taking a shower after coming home from work. Why couldn’t he remember?

Patting the bed as he searched for his phone, he moved the pillows and checked the usual spot he left it on the nightstand, but nothing. His mind was racing now and he was trying not to panic. Throwing back the sheets to get out of bed, Buck froze as he looked down. That was blood. Was that his blood?

Scrambling to get up on his feet, Buck rushed over to his full-length mirror. His jaw dropped as he took in the sight of himself. There were bruises forming on his hips. Bite marks on his chest and neck. A hickey by his collar bone, and his bottom lip was also sore and red.

Turning around, Buck kept his gaze on the floor as he took a few deep breaths before slowly turning his head back to have a look. The bruises on his hips were more defined on the back. There were red marks on his back too. Biting his lip, he glanced down at his ass. He stared and stared.

Tearing his gaze away, Buck looked straight ahead as he kept biting his lip, hard. There was only one explanation for all of this, right? Buck couldn’t get himself to say it, though, barely being able to think it.

Rushing into the bathroom, he kneeled down over the toilet as he gagged and brought up what was left in his stomach. Dropping down on the floor, he curled up into a ball. Hugging himself as tightly as he could, he squeezed his eyes shut and tried to control the sobs that tore through his body. He prayed that any minute now he would really wake up and see that this was all a nightmare.

—

He wasn’t quite sure of how long he’d been lying on the bathroom floor, but he was shivering now. The tears on his cheeks had dried, leaving him feeling even dirtier than before. Groaning and whimpering as he got up on his feet, Buck avoided looking into the mirror and shakily walked into the bedroom. His head was killing him. Walking around the vomit on his floor, he sat down gingerly on the side of the bed and, reaching into his nightstand drawer for some aspirin, he saw his phone.

Picking it up, he tried the home button a few times without result. Pressing the on button, he saw it light up. When the first text message came through, Buck placed it screen down as he took a deep breath and blinked rapidly to try and get rid of the tears stinging in his eyes. Once he was sure he wasn’t about to cry again, not just yet, anyway, he grabbed his phone and walked over to his closet, pulling out a big blanket and wrapping it around himself before sliding down to the floor and leaning back against the wall.

Staring up at the ceiling, Buck turned the phone over and over in his hand as he fought in his mind to try and decide what to do. He was pretty sure of what had happened. He didn’t know where, how and who had done it, though, so what good was reporting it? And if he did report it… well, he’d have to tell people, and he wasn’t so sure he wanted to tell anyone.

Drawing his legs close, Buck pinched the bridge of his nose and leaned his head into his hand as he unlocked his phone. Most of the texts were from Eddie. Chris had sent him a few snapchats along with Chim, Maddie, and May. Buck’s bottom lip started trembling as he turned on the volume and started watching them all.

”Hi, Buck, look! I made a painting today and built stuff with my legos.” Chris’s voice filled his room and Buck watched as a picture of some people was shown to him, then a lego car. ”Daddy! Say hi to Buck,” Chris said, and the screen panned to the floor before it was raised to show Eddie sitting at the end of the table with legos in front of him too.

”Hi, Buck.” Eddie grinned as he waved at the camera.

Shutting it off, Buck dropped his phone and started sobbing again. He was clasping on to his legs tightly as he heaved for breath. It hurt. It hurt so bad. What would Eddie think of him now? What would he do? Buck gagged but didn’t throw up this time. Eddie couldn’t know. No one could.

With sobs still shaking his body, Buck got up on his feet, threw the blankets on the bed, picked up the clothes he’d worn the day before and gathered it all into a ball and threw it onto the floor by the stairs. He’d get a trash bag and throw it all out, but first he needed a shower. He needed this filth off him, now.

—

”Want to come over for a beer?” Eddie asked as he slung his bag into his truck.

”No, I, uh, need to finish packing,” Buck said, squinting at the sun.

”Packing? You going somewhere without telling us?” Hen asked, curious as she walked over and leaned against the side of Eddie’s truck.

”Yeah, what do you need to pack for?” Eddie asked too.

Buck grasped the strap on his bag tightly. ”My things. I’ve sold the apartment and I’m moving this weekend, so,” he mumbled, scratching his neck.

”What? You’re moving? I thought you loved that place! Perfect bachelor pad!” Hen said, crossing her arms over her chest.

”Just don’t like it anymore,” Buck replied, and dared a quick glance at Eddie who was staring right back at him.

”Why didn’t you tell us you were moving, though? I could’ve helped you pack? Where are you moving to?” Eddie asked.

Buck looked around before licking his lips. ”I forgot, I guess? Lots of things happening, you know. I should go so I can get started, bye,” Buck said quickly, turning around and heading to his Jeep. He jumped in and started driving, not bothering putting on his seat belt yet; he just needed to get out of there. Ignoring Hen and Eddie’s questioning gazes as he drove by, he tried to give them a little smile but it felt more like a grimace.

Once he was out on the road, he fumbled to get his seat belt on. He was breathing fast now, and his fingers hurt from clutching the steering wheel so tightly. Buck let out a long whimper as he shook his head, fighting off the little glimpses of memories that had returned slowly the following weeks after it had happened. He was getting flashbacks at the worst times. He’d nearly thrown up all over a patient because Eddie had told her to ”just relax”.

_”God, you’re so pretty, Buck. I wish you’d seen earlier how much I wanted you,” Mike said as he ran his hand over Buck’s chest._

_”No,” Buck whimpered, trying to get his body to move. ”Please,” he begged when Mike lifted his legs up._

_”Shhh, just relax,” Mike told him with a smile as he started pushing in._

_Buck let out a quiet whimper as pain took over. He begged his mind for him to pass out, but he didn’t._

Buck didn’t even realize he was home before he was startled out of his thoughts by someone knocking on his window. Jumping, Buck looked wide-eyed at Eddie.

”You’ve been parked here with your car still going for over five minutes. What's going on?” Eddie asked, looking at Buck closely.

Buck frowned and looked at his dashboard. Huh. It was still going. Shutting it off, he pulled the car keys out of the ignition and held them in his hands. ”Lot on my mind, that’s all,” Buck replied. He got his phone and pushed the door open. ”What are you doing here?”

”Something was clearly bothering you back at the station. And the way you left? And then coming here to check on you and you’re just sitting in your car in some sort of trance? Thought you’d want to talk,” Eddie said, following Buck.

”I’m fine, go home to your son.” Buck brushed him off and unlocked the door for the stairwell before heading up.

”Buck.” Eddie sighed. ”Come on, you’ve been acting off for weeks now. You never come over anymore. We miss you, you know. Both of us,” Eddie told him as he walked up the stairs.

Buck started walking faster.

”Hey, are you listening to what I’m saying? Buck!” Eddie sprinted up a few steps and grabbed Buck’s hand.

”No!” Buck said loudly, yanking his hand free. ”Don’t! Don’t touch me,” Buck gasped, and backed up against the wall.

_Buck was staring at the railing on his loft now. The sound of skin against skin and the sound of Mike’s moans was everything he could hear. He couldn’t really feel much anymore. This was round three and Buck hoped it was the last one. Not that he was looking forward to being hugged, kissed and stroked by the man, but at least he wasn’t… Buck tried to muster up his strength, get his hand behind him and push at him, push him off and away. Mike tsked at him and grabbed him by the wrist, pulling his arm up and pressing it down on his back, using it as leverage to make Buck arch his back more. ”You’re still so tight for me, Buck,” Mike moaned. ”God, you’re everything I’ve dreamed of and more.”_

”Buck?” Eddie asked carefully as he slowly stepped up in front of him.

Buck frowned and started breathing faster.

”Hey, easy, it’s just me and you. Where did you go just now, huh?” Eddie asked, keeping his hands up for Buck to see.

Buck whimpered, looking around to confirm what Eddie was saying. Seeing that it was just them, Buck let himself relax a little, but he felt his cheeks heat up as he realized what had happened.

”Do you want to go inside?” Eddie asked, and watched as Buck nodded. ”Okay, we can go inside,” Eddie told him gently, following Buck up the rest of the stairs and watching him unlock the front door.

Buck didn’t say anything as he put his overnight bag down on the floor and walked over to the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water and opening it. He breathed a little sigh of relief when he heard the seal break properly.

”You okay?” Eddie asked, taking a seat by Buck’s kitchen island.

Buck hummed, leaning against the counter. ”I’m fine.”

Sighing, Eddie looked at Buck and shook his head. ”I wish you wouldn’t lie to me.”

Buck bit his lip and looked up at Eddie. He opened his mouth to tell him that he wasn’t lying, but… that would be another lie, and he didn’t actually like lying to Eddie.

”Well, Chris is at Abuela’s for the night, so what should I start packing? You’re obviously moving,” Eddie said as he glanced around the place. There were boxes everywhere. He frowned at the air mattress that was set up in the living room but decided to ignore it for now. Buck clearly wasn’t ready to talk just yet.

”Emm, the upstairs bathroom? And I think there’s some clothes left in the dresser and the closet.” Buck took the opportunity handed to him. He hadn’t really been up there much of late, and he had no desire to go back up there, so he could send Eddie up to get the last of his things. Eddie gave him a nod and a smile. ”There’s empty boxes here,” Buck said as he walked over to the side of the stairs and held them out for Eddie. He gave Eddie a smile when he took the boxes, and he didn’t pull away when Eddie’s hands touched his.

It was nice this time, Eddie’s touch was warm and safe. Nothing like Mike. Blushing, Buck put his hands to his side before walking over to the kitchen. As he started wrapping up his plates in newspaper, he found himself glancing up at Eddie several times.

Whenever their gazes would meet, Eddie would give him a smile and Buck would smile back.

—

Buck’s right leg was bouncing up and down as he looked up at Frank.

”Bad day?” Frank asked while he observed him.

Buck just hummed and did a little nod. ”We drove past the bar yesterday. On a call. I thought I was going to puke or have a panic attack. Or both,” Buck forced out, digging his fingernails into his hands. ”I didn’t see him or his car, though,” he continued, stilling his leg, moving back in his seat and putting his arms over his chest.

”How did you feel, seeing the bar again? It was the first time since the attack, no?” Frank asked, putting his hands together loosely, leaning his elbow on one of the armrests of the wheelchair.

”Warm, sweaty. Dizzy. Tense. Awful,” Buck rambled. ”It was like I was suffocating, like the air had just disappeared and all that was left was a dizzying hotness trying to take over me and force me down. Couldn’t move. Couldn’t really think either, until...” Buck stopped and groaned, squeezing his eyes shut as he tried to take a steadying breath.

”Until what?” Frank asked him, nudging the box of tissues closer to Buck’s end of the little table between them.

Buck yanked one out of the box and took deep breaths as he folded the tissue neatly into a small little square, running his fingers over the edges. ”Until Eddie laughed,” Buck choked out, and quickly dabbed the tissue at the tears that ran down from his eyes.

Frank tilted his head to his side.

Buck sighed. ”I could think when I heard him laugh. And all the other things started to go away and then he was bumping shoulders with me and it was like he’d pulled me up from the deepest ocean and I could breathe again.” Buck clamped his mouth shut and dried away the new tears.

”You seem really upset with the idea of Eddie helping?” Frank asked, slightly confused.

”Of course I’m upset!” Buck said before he ducked his head down. ”It’s bad. It’s awful, I shouldn’t be finding comfort in him. I shouldn't be in love with him because Eddie is so good. Eddie is warm and safe. So kind and loyal. And I’m...” Buck took a small break to take another deep breath and focus his gaze on the little drop of dried coffee on the table. ”And I’m loud, I’m exhausting, I’m dirty, I’m so fucked up and broken,” Buck said, his voice growing more and more empty of emotion with each word he spoke. ”I could never hope to be good enough for him. I’d never want to bring my darkness and monsters into his world,” Buck whispered. ”He doesn’t deserve it.”

Frank rolled a little closer. ”That’s the voices of the trauma of what happened speaking. I know they’re loud right now and it’s been a bad day. But there will be days when those voices won’t be as loud and persistent,” Frank said calmly.

Buck grimaced when he reached up to dry his eyes again.

”Have you talked to Eddie about your feelings?” Frank asked after a short quiet minute.

Buck shook his head. ”No, I, I can’t,” Buck replied, still shaking his head.

”Have you talked to anyone about what happened?” Frank asked.

Again, Buck shook his head.

”You don’t have to carry this alone. It might help to share with someone meaningful in your life, someone you love and trust. Like Maddie or Eddie,” Frank suggested.

Buck shook his head. He just couldn’t.

—

Buck grinned when the door opened and Chris greeted him with just as big of a smile. ”Happy birthday, buddy!” he said excitedly as he bent down and gave Chris a big hug.

”Thank you, Bucky!” Chris replied, laughing as he hugged Buck back.

Buck held onto the hug for a bit longer than normal before he pulled back. ”Is there cake?” Buck whispered, staying down low to be on Chris’ level.

”Uh huh, chocolate cake!” Chris whispered back.

Buck moaned. ”Wait, your dad didn’t make it, did he?” Buck somewhat jokingly asked.

Chris laughed and shook his head. ”No, Abuela did.”

”Oh, thank god.” Buck winked before standing up, ruffling Chris’ hair. Turning back around, he walked to his car and opened the back.

”Buck! Buck! Where are you going?” Chris asked.

Buck grinned as he grabbed the giant wrapped box of legos he’d gotten him. ”Just getting your present!”

Chris gasped. ”Whoa, it's so big!” He said, looking wide eyed at it.

Buck smiled and followed after Chris. ”Come on, let’s get it inside and put it with your other presents!” He smiled and nodded politely at the other parents that were there, he had seen a few of them when picking up Chris at school sometimes.

”Daddy is outside,” Chris said, looking curiously at his big present.

”Yeah? I should go talk to him, huh?” Buck asked, looking down at Chris.

”Mhm, I know he wants to talk to you. He misses you,” Chris said, glancing up at Buck. ”He says you're sad so that’s why you haven’t been visiting us. When I’m sad I talk to dad too. It helps,'' he said with confidence.

Buck tried to not let his heart break over what Chris was saying. ”I’m sorry I haven’t seen you much lately. I promise to come around more.” Buck sighed as he bent down and gave Chris a little smile.

”Are you feeling better?” Chris asked, reaching out to pet Buck’s shoulder.

”I am. Seeing you always makes me feel better.” Buck pulled him in for a hug again, which Chris happily returned.

”When you talk to dad can you ask him if we can open presents soon?” Chris whispered.

Buck laughed and pulled back, nodding. ”Sure.”

Chris grinned and walked over to play with some friends.

Standing up, Buck glanced around and saw Eddie outside in the yard with Hen and Karen. Steeling himself, he stopped by the cake table and got himself a piece so his hands were busy and he could shove some cake in his mouth if things got too awkward or something.

”Hi, guys!” Buck said, upbeat as he walked over, giving Karen, Hen, and Eddie each a hug.

”Hi, Buck.” Karen smiled. ”How’s the new place?” she asked, eating a piece of her cake.

”It’s good. It’s a bit smaller, but it’s good. Good neighborhood,” Buck replied before having a piece of his own cake.

”I think Denny is calling for us, let’s go check it out,” Hen said not so subtly, and started dragging Karen away.

”You doing good?” Eddie asked as he looked him over.

”Yeah, I’m fine,” Buck replied automatically, out of habit. ”I’m working on it,” he corrected himself, and looked at Eddie.

”That’s good. That’s really good, Buck,” Eddie replied in a hushed tone.

Buck pointed his fork at Eddie. ”Chris wanted me to ask if he could start opening presents soon, he was eyeing them up pretty badly,” he grinned.

Chuckling, Eddie rolled his eyes. ”I suppose he has been very patient,” Eddie grinned back.

—

Smiling as he brushed Chris’ hair back, Buck just kept looking at him. Soaking in the innocence, the purity and love that Chris stood for. It had been a good day. They’d all eaten too much cake, had too much soda, sweets, and snacks. The poor kid had been hyper and then he had crashed. Hard. Leaning down, Buck pressed a kiss to Chris’ forehead before standing up and closing the bedroom door softly behind him.

Picking up some bowls from the living room table, Buck carried them into the kitchen and dumped the remaining chips, popcorn, and crackers into the trash.

“He’s asle..”

“I think he..” Buck and Eddie spoke at the same time.

Buck smiled and gestured for Eddie to talk while he put the bowls into the dishwasher.

“I think he had a really good time,” Eddie said, leaning against the counter.

“Yeah, it seemed like it. He was just all over the place, talking to everyone, playing and goofing around.” Buck smiled while clearing some dishes from the counter.

“You know, you didn’t have to get him the Hogwarts castle just because he asked for it, right? It must’ve cost a fortune,” Eddie mused as he grabbed himself and Buck a beer from the fridge.

Buck shrugged in response. “It doesn’t matter. It made him happy. And he’s been doing so good, and I haven’t been around as much, so,” he told Eddie.

“He doesn’t need or want fancy things to be happy, he needs you,” Eddie said quietly.

Buck swallowed and closed the dishwasher. “He doesn’t need me, Eddie.” Buck sighed as he turned around and found himself face to face with Eddie.

“He does, Buck. I do, too. We both need you,” Eddie said, putting a hand on Buck’s shoulder, squeezing it gently. “You mean everything to us. To me,” Eddie whispered, slowly moving closer and inching his hand to the back of Buck’s neck.

Buck stood frozen, feeling like he was in a dream as Eddie’s lips softly pressed against his. Closing his eyes, he slowly kissed him back. God, Eddie was a good kisser, and his lips were so soft. So good. Just like Eddie.

Snapping his eyes open, Buck took a shaky breath and stepped back. “I have to go,” he whispered, his voice unsteady. The sound of his heartbeat was pounding in his ears as he frantically gathered his phone and keys before rushing out the door. Eddie was calling his name and asking him to stay but he couldn’t.

He needed to get away, now. He couldn’t do this. Nothing good could ever come from him being with Eddie. Stepping on the gas pedal, Buck quickly pulled out onto the road and drove away. When he looked back into the rearview mirror with tears streaming down his face, he saw Eddie standing there, looking lost in the middle of the street. Turning his gaze back to where he was going, Buck wiped his face and gripped the steering wheel. He wasn’t doing this anymore.

\--

It was quite late at night and it was fully dark outside as Buck made his way towards his new apartment building. The path was well lit and it looked sort of nice in the calm of the night. He brought his hand up to his lips and ran his finger gingerly over the bottom one. It was weird to think that hours ago, Eddie’s soft and wonderful lips had felt like heaven against his, and now his lip was busted and his mouth tasted like blood because of it.

Sighing, Buck dug into his pocket for his keys and opened the gate to his walk up.

“Where have you been all night?” Eddie asked.

“Jesus fucking Christ, Eddie,” Buck swore as he dropped his keys and clutched his chest. “Oh my god,” he muttered, picking the keys up and brushing past Eddie. “What the fuck are you doing, anyway, go home. Wait, who’s with Chris?!” Buck asked when he unlocked the door.

“Carla came over to stay with him so I could come and check on you,” Eddie replied, turning on the lights.

Squinting at the bright lights, Buck reached over and flicked the lights off again. “You checked on me, you can go now.” Buck turned the tap on and flinched when his knuckles hurt under the water. Rubbing at the dried blood, he tensed up as Eddie came over.

“Buck, what did you do?” Eddie asked seriously, grabbing one of Buck’s arms and looking over the bruised and torn up knuckles.

“Will you please just go?” Buck asked, so tired, shutting the water off and grabbing a kitchen towel to dry his hands off.

“No, I will not just go! Something is going on with you, something bad. And maybe I’ve misread some signals, but I really like you, Buck, and I think you like me too, and I just want you to know I’m here for you.”

Buck rubbed his face as he listened to Eddie, his body tensing, and he tried to keep breathing normally.

“Buck, are you listening to me?” Eddie asked, and put his hand on Buck’s.

Buck backed away and looked at him, teary eyed. “Please, just go? Eddie, please, I, not tonight.” Buck whimpered as he put his hands out in front of himself, to force some distance between them.

Eddie looked at him sadly. “Evan, I can't,” he said, and he stepped close and put his hands on Buck’s cheek.

Buck could feel himself leaning into Eddie’s hand.

“It’s okay, I’ve got you.”

Tears were streaming down his face now. Eddie moved so he could hug Buck, but Buck stepped back and took a shuddering breath. “Eddie, please, go home,” he cried, sitting down on the floor and leaning back against the kitchen cupboards. Pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes, he tried to calm himself down.

Eddie just shook his head as he sat down as well, letting his knee rest against Buck’s.

“You can’t be here,” Buck whimpered.

Frowning, Eddie put his hands together to stop himself from reaching out and touching Buck. “Why can’t I be here? You’re hurting, and I don’t want you to be alone,” he said softly.

Buck let out a sob and hung his head down. “I deserve to be alone,” he choked out, heaving for his breath.

“That’s not true,” Eddie started, but was cut off by Buck.

“You don’t know that! You don’t know anything!” Buck whimpered, digging his fingernails into his skin.

“I’d like to know, if you want to tell me,” Eddie said. “I also know that whatever you tell me won’t change the fact that you don’t deserve to be alone.”

Buck shook his head and leaned it back against the cupboard, staring up at the ceiling.

“It’s okay if you’re not ready to talk, I just want you to know that it won’t go any further. You can trust me. Nothing in the world is worth all this pain you’re going through,” Eddie tried to reassure him.

Buck grimaced and whispered something Eddie didn’t catch.

“Sorry?” Eddie asked.

“You are,” Buck repeated, his voice louder this time.

Eddie looked at him, confused.

“If I tell you, I know you’ll never look at me the same, and I can’t handle that, Eddie, I can’t. I can’t lose you after everything that’s happened. I can’t,” Buck cried.

“You won’t lose me! Buck, I promise, I’m not going anywhere,” Eddie told him firmly. Taking a chance, he reached out and took Buck’s hand. “I’m here. I’m right here with you,” he said, squeezing Buck’s hand to prove it.

Buck looked at Eddie, his mind racing. “It was Mike,” he said quietly, before he had even really decided on telling him. A strangled cry came from him. “It was Mike. He raped me.” As he said those words, what little control he had left him. Sobbing, Buck squeezed his eyes shut and pulled his hand away from Eddie’s so he wouldn't have to feel Eddie moving away from him. Curling up, Buck cried and hugged himself tightly.

“Buck, I’m going to hug you, okay?” Eddie said as he started wrapping his arms around him. Tears were streaming down Eddie’s face as he pulled Buck close. This moment was about Buck and not himself. “I wish there were some magic words I could say to make you feel better, to make everything right, but I don’t know them because they don’t exist. I just want you to know that I’m still here. You still don’t deserve to be alone and you didn’t deserve what’s happened to you,” Eddie told Buck gently, holding him close.

Buck didn’t say anything back. He didn’t have any words left to say.

\--

Buck had felt a lot of feelings walking into Frank’s office. He never would’ve dared to imagine that one day he’d walk in there feeling this light again. Feeling almost like his old self. But as he walked in there today, he did feel all those things and more. Finding his usual spot on the couch, he sighed and leaned back in his seat.

Frank looked up at him curiously. “Good day?”

With a little nod, Buck smiled and met Frank’s gaze. “So I told Eddie about what happened. Might also have had a little breakdown before that and found out where Mike was, at which point I went there and punched the shit out of him.” Buck tugged on his collar as Frank looked at him, speechless. “I know, kind of illegal, but the man raped me repeatedly, so I don’t think he’ll be pressing charges. And we have patient confidentiality…. Right?” Buck gave him a slight squint.

Frank nodded and put his notepad away. “I mean, technically yes, but let’s pretend you didn’t confess a crime to me, regardless of whether it was justified or not. We might have to talk about the violence side later too, but how did it feel to talk to Eddie? What happened?”

Buck ran his fingers over his knuckles while he slumped deeper into his seat. “I hadn’t planned on it. Like at all. I thought I’d take this all with me to the grave.” Buck glanced up at Frank and gave him a small smile. “But Eddie…. he didn’t stop, you know? He kept asking, checking if I was okay,” he said, scraping his nails over a little scar on his hand from the altercation with Mike. “And he kept coming back, kept being there for me no matter how much I tried to push him away.” Buck sniffled and shook his head with a short, rough laugh. “I come in here smiling and feeling good and now I’m crying.”

Frank smiled back. “That’s okay. Emotions can be complicated.”

Buck nodded. “I know. Well, somewhere deep down, I know that,” he chuckled. “I’m doing better. I’m feeling happiness over things again. Feel safe.” Grabbing a tissue from the table, Buck wiped his eyes. “It's so terrifying, but Eddie helps me a lot. I swear, the man is psychic.” Buck grinned and chuckled again. “He can see when it’s getting too much or I’m getting lost in my head. He’s so good, and I still think I’m just going to wake up one morning and realise that this is just a wonderful dream that I’m having, and that I’m actually still stuck in the nightmare that was my life that was just a few weeks ago.” Buck bit his lip and blinked away his tears.

“I assure you, this is no dream, Buck. Life comes with both bad and good, and you’re seeing the good now. Try and hang on to that. Remember it when the bad comes back, keep talking to Eddie, keep talking to me. Work on not getting lost in your head, and work on not getting into any more fights.” Frank gave him a pointed look as he added the last part.

Buck broke out into a grin, nodding as he replied. “Yeah, I think I can do that.”

\--

Awakened by a sound, Buck twisted around in bed and stared wide eyed at the door. Seeing as it was only Eddie, he let out the breath he’d been holding and sank back down into the mattress. “Why are you up and walking? It’s too early for walking,” Buck complained, and pulled the sheets up.

“The TV was acting up and Chris couldn't watch his shows, so he woke me up,” Eddie explained before getting back into his spot next to Buck and opening his arms.

Grinning, Buck moved over and snuggled into Eddie’s embrace.

“Now, if you let me get him an iPad, we wouldn’t have to deal with that and I could wake up in your arms instead of waking up alone in this big bed,” Buck told Eddie.

“You’re not getting him an iPad! He doesn’t need one. He has his school iPad, and he has a phone. The kid will survive. Also, then I’d just be woken up ‘cause something on his iPad isn’t working.” Eddie chuckled and stroked Buck’s back.

“But he can’t have cool games on his school iPad, and the screen on his phone is too small for him and, mmm,” Buck moaned as Eddie started kissing him deeply. He bit his lip when Eddie kissed down his cheek and his neck and wrapped his fingers around Buck’s cock. It was still soft, but Buck could practically hear his blood rushing down to it. “Eddie, Chris... He’s outside,” Buck said, hissing quietly as Eddie sucked hard on his skin and dragged his teeth over it.

“Then you have to be really quiet, darling,” Eddie replied when he started kissing him again.

“Daaaaad, the TV is doing the thing again!” Chris shouted from the living room.

Eddie and Buck pulled apart, Buck groaning while getting up on his elbows. “I knew this would happen, and now I’m hard,” he pouted, looking at Eddie, who was biting his lip.

“I’m sorry, love. Go jump in the shower and I’ll join you and help you get off,” Eddie said, pressing a quick kiss to Buck’s lips before jumping off the bed and making sure he wasn’t showing off a bulge, then blowing a kiss to Buck and heading out the door.

Buck collapsed back against the mattress. “That’s not very romantic!” He called after Eddie, not really caring if he heard him or not.

Smiling, Buck stroked Eddie’s side of the bed. It had been a couple of months now and he still hadn’t woken up to find that this was all a dream. It was real and he was getting used to the happiness, and the feeling of safety that being in this routine with Eddie and Chris.

Buck grinned and swung his legs off the bed, headed for the bathroom. While taking off his underwear, Buck bit his lip and let them fall to the floor as a nice little reminder for Eddie to join him in the shower and finish what he’d started. Getting the shower going, Buck stepped into the hot spray and closed his eyes. This was good, he thought. No matter how long it had taken him or how he’d ended up here, it felt good to be home.


End file.
